Hello My Name is Jamie- Part 4

The day that I made the decision to sit down and begin my moral inventory, will forever be etched into my heart. It was a cold and dreary winter day, much like the state of my spirit. In all honesty, I was DREADING the task at hand. Who in their right mind would want to make an account of every painful memory from the past as well as every sin committed against others?!?!

As I sat down at a Starbucks with my favorite flavored coffee beverage in hand, I began praying Psalm 129:23, “Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover…if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.” I knew that there was pain from my childhood buried so deep that only He would have the power to bring to the surfaces. For so long, I had masked and/or stuffed the wounds in my life, rather than allowing Him to heal them. Within minutes of my prayer, the memories came pouring down like the rain I could hear outside. Just a little side-note, if you ever decide to take a painful journey down memory lane, don’t do it in a Starbucks! As I began to journal all of the painful memories of my past, I could not control the tears and the sobbing that came as a result of the emotions that had been locked away for years. Not quite sure what the people around me thought, but at that moment, I didn’t really care.

Celebrate Recovery has an amazing model for making a thorough moral inventory in order to get to the root of a person’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups. With each entry to my inventory, I listed the person that was the object of my resentment or fear, the specific action that person took that hurt me, the effect that the action had on my life, the damage the action did to my basic instincts, and then my part in the resentment if any. Words can’t express the cleansing that came with writing out everything that had been buried for so long. The saying, “you’re only as sick as your secrets” is not just a saying. I was physically carrying the baggage of my past, and it wasn’t my burden to carry. As I journaled, I felt release from each event from my past. I prayed over every hurt and resentment and released them to the Lord. Ephesians 4:31 says, “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” The biggest miracle that occurred while doing part one of my inventory was my desire to rid myself of bitterness and anger; I realized how much unforgiveness was taking residency in my heart. In turn, I was able to extend forgiveness to those who had hurt me which lifted the burden even more.

The second part of the inventory is your spiritual or moral inventory. This is the list of all of the people that you have hurt and a detailed explanation of how you hurt them, including yourself. This list wasn’t as hard for me. For years, I believed the lie that I should feel shame and guilt over my past sins, so when asked what they were, I was able to spew out the list in an instant. I had hurt those I love with lies, a lack of integrity, gossip and disrespect, just to name a few. I hurt myself by not guarding my mind from unhealthy things and by mistreating my body with food, obsessive exercise, alcohol, and sex. Making an account of all that I had done wrong sent me spiraling into a dark place. I was so far from being able to accept God’s forgiveness because of the pride in my heart.

I was so ready to be done with my inventory. I had gone to the hard places, faced my past hurts, owned up to my sins, and now the hardest part of all was going to happen. Not only did I have to openly examine and confess my faults to myself and God, but also to someone else. That someone else just happened to be my mentor and sponsor M, whose opinion I value HIGHLY!! We were to meet a local bakery for breakfast, and I was going to share ALL of my inventory with her. I can still feel the pit in my stomach as the fear of sharing all of me came rushing in. Until recently, I didn’t understand the concept of being fully known and fully loved. After all, up until this point NO ONE knew all of me! For so long, I lived life offering what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I was so afraid that if people knew my real story, they’d be running for the hills! I didn’t sleep a wink the night before M and I met. I was a nervous wreck, wringing my hands at the table as I awaited her arrival. When she got there, she prayed over our time together, and before we started we ate just enough to keep my stomach from being quite so queasy. As fate would have it, this too was a rainy morning, and again the tears would fall just like the drizzle outside. I wept as I shared each entry of my inventory, and I was just waiting for a look of disappointment or rejection from the other end of the table. Funny thing is, the only look exchanged was one of unconditional love and mercy. After hearing about all of my mess-ups, utter defeats, childhood pain, and unhealthy living, M didn’t miss a beat with her love for me. I was completely blown away by the woman whom I admired and loved so much. Every bit of my fear of rejection was gone. What’s even better is that in the days that followed, I was finally able to accept God’s grace and mercy for me. I started meditating on the Truth and allowing His forgiveness to invade my life.

There were so many other positive things that came from sharing my inventory. I was able to connect the dots in my life from a bird’s eye perspective. I was able to see how the things that happened when I was a child contributed to my codependent behaviors. I realized that I was taking the blame for too many other people in my life. Most importantly, it allowed me to see the character defects that I needed to be rid of in order to continue the healing process. But first, it was time to make amends for the harm I had done to others…boy, this should be FUN!!

STORY TO BE CONTINUED