Hello My Name is Jamie- Part 5

Sorry for the long delay in this last post…life has been FULL! I want to wrap up this series on my 12 Steps journey by sharing the blessings that have come as a result of surrendering my life and will to my Redeemer(I am skipping ahead to the end).

JOY…real joy! I have always been known to my friends and family as a happy person, but my happiness was contingent upon the circumstances of my life. As long as life fit into my little box of perfection and people treated me like I “needed” them to treat me, my joy remained intact. I now know that my joy comes from the Lord. My happiness is no longer tied to people who are going to disappoint me (surprise, they’re human too) or to all of the “stuff” that will happen in life. My joy is my salvation, in the One who paid my ransom!

Peace. I can’t help but think of the old song we used to sing at church camp, “I’ve got peace like a river in my soul.”! Those words have REAL meaning for me now. Think about a river. Its path is tumultuous; full of twists and turns, bounding over rocks and through all types of obstacles. A river is constant. It never stops flowing, even against the largest barriers, it finds a way to press through (I’m reminded of the mighty Mississippi). That’s the way that genuine peace manifests itself in my life. God has promised that life is going to have trials alongside of the victories. I know that like a river, I will come across my share of twists and turns, and will face seemingly impossible circumstances. In the past, my river of peace was more like a little stream that is stopped by the first boulder that comes in its way. I always thought that peace was a feeling, something that was attached to everything in my life being “just right”. John 16:33 says, “I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." I am able to be DEEPLY at peace, because my faith rests in the One who already knows the end of the story. I know that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. So, as the river of life meets obstacles and challenges, I will keep rolling on, resting in the fact that hardships bring even more peace.

A “Get-To” Life. About 3 months into my 12 Step Journey, I realized that I was caught up in a “have-to” way of living. I had to respect my husband. I had to make good food choices. I had to wipe my son’s bottom for the 1000th time. I had to serve others. I had to love others. I had to read my Bible. And the list goes on and on. Somewhere along the road, I had settled into doing things because that was what was expected of me, out of obligation if you will. It was an endless cycle that caused bitterness and a sense of a discontented life. When God opened my eyes to this, I realized that I was living a life void of good fruit. Doing things out of obligation or because I thought that’s what people expected of me, rather than obedience to the Lord, had me trapped in an unfulfilling life. I was like a hamster on a wheel, never getting anywhere because the motivations of my heart were all wrong! When I allowed the Holy Spirit to take full force in my life, I was free to live a get-to life. Now, all of the things that I felt like I had to do in the past, have become and honor and privilege! I don’t feel like the little hamster on the wheel anymore. Instead, my life has purpose and meaning because of all of the things that I get to do!

Restored Relationships. This is the culmination of it all for me. Since I have real joy, unshakeable peace, and live with a get-to attitude, I have been able to experience real, life-changing relationships for the first time in my life! Before I began this journey, I endured people with a wall of bricks that surrounded my heart because of my fear of abandonment and rejection. I had so much bitterness and resentment taking residency in my heart! All of that bitterness kept anyone from being able to meet my expectations of someone that I could trust or ever love. After I completed my inventory and was able to give and receive forgiveness, that fortress of “protection” I had built to guard myself(which by the way was a castle of lies)came tumbling down. Grace and mercy were the remedy that my ailing heart was in need of. Once I was able to accept God’s gift of forgiveness, I was able to see everyone through the lens of God’s grace for me. I began living in an active state of forgiveness. There is NOTHING that anyone can do that will be a deal breaker because you see, my joy and peace are not tied to the circumstances of this life. And so, the tapestry of this journey continues to be woven.

Last week, I was able to celebrate the completion of this amazing journey called the 12 Steps. I, along with my amazing step-sisters, received our chip for finishing the hard work and to celebrate our recovery in Christ! It was an amazing night of worship and was chock-full of emotions. I was blown away by the friends who came to support me. A group of women who now know the real me, warts and all, and can fully love Jamie Lurain Mullins. As amazing as the night was, what happened earlier in the day is what confirmed my healing and restoration in Jesus Christ. My dad found out last week through a strange set of circumstances that he had 6 blockages in his heart. Praise God that we found out before he had a massive heart attack. My whole life, I allowed my dad to be the main source of my bitterness and resentment. There was a mountain of hurt, starting early in my childhood, that came at the hands of a man I had could not even call “dad”. I blamed him for the way that I reacted to life, for my lack of trust in God and men, for my lack of responsibility with money…you name it, I could find a way to blame my dad for it. Last Friday was the first time that I sat in a room alone with my father in almost 6 years. A miracle had occurred! I walked away from the hospital feeling strange and a bit shaken. I realized that all of my bitterness towards him was gone…I had REALLY forgiven my dad for every hurt he had ever caused. And what’s better than that is, I’m not waiting for the ball to drop with him. In living in an active state of forgiveness, I am free to love my dad(and everyone for that matter) with NO EXPECTATIONS!!!

I would love to say that I am totally free of codependency, but I can’t. This 12 step journey is just that, I don’t know that I will arrive at my destination until I am face to face with our Maker. I am still working on creating new default settings for my new way of life. But what I can say is that I feel like I am awake for the first time in my life. I am so thankful that the Lord used CR to heal the wounds that were deep in my soul. I am proud of the scars that I bear and know that God is using them for His glory! I would love to share more about this journey, about making my amends, the process of discovering my character defects, and the relationships formed within the walls of CR with anyone who wants to listen. If you want to chat now or in the future, please don’t hesitate to ask. Since I have received the unexplainable gift of FREEDOM in Christ, I want to give it away to anyone who wants to accept it!