About two months into my recovery journey, I really started to feel like I was becoming a new person. I was feeling free of the chains of anxiety, and was learning what it meant to live in a minute by minute state of surrender to the Lord. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking of you and watching everything that concerns you.” Since my maker and redeemer was watching over everything that concerned me, I felt free to live my life, something I had not done before, EVER.
Prior to my time in Celebrate Recovery, I spent countless hours trying to “fix” all of the people I cared about most. The main target of my so-called affections was my husband Blake. I put a ridiculous amount of effort into trying to change him into the man that I so desperately needed him to be. All of my attempts to nudge him in the right direction were fruitless. I grew to resent the man I shared a home with and stopped showing him the respect and love that he deserved. What I didn’t realize was not only was I missing the huge block in my eye while I was pointing out the speck in Blake’s, I was also standing in the way of the only One who could ever change my man’s heart. It breaks my heart now to know all of the pain that could’ve been avoided if I would have stepped out of the way and allowed the Lord to have His way in my marriage.
Something miraculous happened after I was able surrender control of my life to the Lord. When I finally realized that I was the only person that I had control over, I began to let go of any need to “fix” those around me. This is still a daily battle for me, but one that is so worth the fight. God had shown me that the only way that I could really help those I deeply cared about was to be an intercessor for them. The kicker is that in order to be an intercessor for anyone, I had to be free of the sin that so easily entangles me. So while I worked on my character defects, I started a process to release the people that I love to the Lord. I place them at the feet of the Lord anytime that I feel my need to control kick in. When I started this process with Blake, I realized that the bitterness and resentment I had come to be comfortable with, started to fade from sight. I started to see him thru the lens of God’s grace, covered in the blood of Christ. Do you know what happened just a short month after I let go of my need to control my husband? When I finally stepped out of the way, God was able to step in. The Lord has done an amazing work in Blake’s life! Our marriage is better than ever. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our little tiffs now and then, but I feel more in love with Blake than the day I married him. Since I have relinquished control, I am free to love him with NO expectations!
Recovery was really becoming enjoyable, even though I was warned that hard times were ahead. My 12 step group was completing Step 3 and moving into the step that has been known to make or break a person’s recovery. I had heard countless stories of people who quit on their recovery because Step 4 was just too painful. I had resolved that I had not come this far to give up now. I was willing to go the distance, no matter the pain. It was time to get to the root of my issues and Step 4 was going to do just that.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”(Lamentations 3:40) So what exactly does a searching and fearless inventory entail? A moral inventory is a list of ALL of the significant events in your life. It was time for me to take an honest look at my past in order to move forward in my recovery. My sponsor and mentor, M, informed me that it was imperative that I hand write all of the major events in my life that caused significant hurt as well as ALL of the offenses that I committed against others. When I was finished, we would sit down together and I would share this list with her. The weeks of the hard, honest look at my life that followed were some of the most tear-filled, heart wrenching moments I will ever experience. The pages of my inventory notebook are stained with tears. But good things were yet to come in Step 4. Facing my demons would bring peace and joy to my soul that I had never experienced.
Story To Be Continued
Prior to my time in Celebrate Recovery, I spent countless hours trying to “fix” all of the people I cared about most. The main target of my so-called affections was my husband Blake. I put a ridiculous amount of effort into trying to change him into the man that I so desperately needed him to be. All of my attempts to nudge him in the right direction were fruitless. I grew to resent the man I shared a home with and stopped showing him the respect and love that he deserved. What I didn’t realize was not only was I missing the huge block in my eye while I was pointing out the speck in Blake’s, I was also standing in the way of the only One who could ever change my man’s heart. It breaks my heart now to know all of the pain that could’ve been avoided if I would have stepped out of the way and allowed the Lord to have His way in my marriage.
Something miraculous happened after I was able surrender control of my life to the Lord. When I finally realized that I was the only person that I had control over, I began to let go of any need to “fix” those around me. This is still a daily battle for me, but one that is so worth the fight. God had shown me that the only way that I could really help those I deeply cared about was to be an intercessor for them. The kicker is that in order to be an intercessor for anyone, I had to be free of the sin that so easily entangles me. So while I worked on my character defects, I started a process to release the people that I love to the Lord. I place them at the feet of the Lord anytime that I feel my need to control kick in. When I started this process with Blake, I realized that the bitterness and resentment I had come to be comfortable with, started to fade from sight. I started to see him thru the lens of God’s grace, covered in the blood of Christ. Do you know what happened just a short month after I let go of my need to control my husband? When I finally stepped out of the way, God was able to step in. The Lord has done an amazing work in Blake’s life! Our marriage is better than ever. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our little tiffs now and then, but I feel more in love with Blake than the day I married him. Since I have relinquished control, I am free to love him with NO expectations!
Recovery was really becoming enjoyable, even though I was warned that hard times were ahead. My 12 step group was completing Step 3 and moving into the step that has been known to make or break a person’s recovery. I had heard countless stories of people who quit on their recovery because Step 4 was just too painful. I had resolved that I had not come this far to give up now. I was willing to go the distance, no matter the pain. It was time to get to the root of my issues and Step 4 was going to do just that.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”(Lamentations 3:40) So what exactly does a searching and fearless inventory entail? A moral inventory is a list of ALL of the significant events in your life. It was time for me to take an honest look at my past in order to move forward in my recovery. My sponsor and mentor, M, informed me that it was imperative that I hand write all of the major events in my life that caused significant hurt as well as ALL of the offenses that I committed against others. When I was finished, we would sit down together and I would share this list with her. The weeks of the hard, honest look at my life that followed were some of the most tear-filled, heart wrenching moments I will ever experience. The pages of my inventory notebook are stained with tears. But good things were yet to come in Step 4. Facing my demons would bring peace and joy to my soul that I had never experienced.
Story To Be Continued
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