This post is the first in a series of 5. I want to share the journey of my heart from this past year of LIVING!! My prayer is that the Lord will speak thru my story and the change that has taken place in my mind, body, and soul.
Hello my name is Jamie, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles and has victories with codependency. About a year ago, I hit rock bottom emotionally. My marriage, friendships, and faith were all under fire and I realized that I was completely powerless to control all of the things that were most important in my life.
Thankfully, God had placed someone in my life that knew exactly where I was at, She had walked the same road ahead of me and was willing to help me out of the pit of despair I had “fallen” into. The first time I called my friend, M, to tell her about my need for a mentor, I shared all of the “issues” that were consuming my mind and thoughts. These issues ranged from a husband who didn’t love me the way I felt he should, family members who caused childhood pain, self-pity, self-doubt, a deep desire to please everyone around me, and at the top of the list, a constant sense of anxiety and worry that I could not escape. M informed me that there was a term for the struggles I shared with her. CODEPENDENCY…what?? I’m sure that’s not me. That sounded like some psycho-babble term for people who were much worse off than me. And then M gave me a simple definition of a codependent. She explained that a codependent is someone whose happiness, joy, and peace are controlled by the circumstances of life. Cue a blow to the heart. She had just wrapped up my way of living into one simple statement.
After identifying that I was more than likely struggling with something that had a name, I decided to do some more research on codependency. I found more info than I wanted, but was able to put words to the things that were happening in my heart. One website gave specific patterns of codependency. I’ll share just a few that described me to a tee.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
So, what M had said was true. I realized that every area of struggle in my life all pointed back to codependency. I needed everything and everyone in my life to fit into the box of what I could control (including God), and if they didn’t, I would begin a downward spiral towards depression and anxiety. But, stepping out of denial was only the first step…where was I supposed to go from here?
M and I began meeting on a weekly basis to talk about my week. She would share scripture and ask key questions, and she would always pray over me. About 3 weeks into our weekly meetings, she started talking to me about the Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program and what it had done in her life. Celebrate Recovery?? Are you serious?? I thought that CR was for “those people”! Boy, was I in for the surprise of my life.
STORY To be Continued
Hello my name is Jamie, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles and has victories with codependency. About a year ago, I hit rock bottom emotionally. My marriage, friendships, and faith were all under fire and I realized that I was completely powerless to control all of the things that were most important in my life.
Thankfully, God had placed someone in my life that knew exactly where I was at, She had walked the same road ahead of me and was willing to help me out of the pit of despair I had “fallen” into. The first time I called my friend, M, to tell her about my need for a mentor, I shared all of the “issues” that were consuming my mind and thoughts. These issues ranged from a husband who didn’t love me the way I felt he should, family members who caused childhood pain, self-pity, self-doubt, a deep desire to please everyone around me, and at the top of the list, a constant sense of anxiety and worry that I could not escape. M informed me that there was a term for the struggles I shared with her. CODEPENDENCY…what?? I’m sure that’s not me. That sounded like some psycho-babble term for people who were much worse off than me. And then M gave me a simple definition of a codependent. She explained that a codependent is someone whose happiness, joy, and peace are controlled by the circumstances of life. Cue a blow to the heart. She had just wrapped up my way of living into one simple statement.
After identifying that I was more than likely struggling with something that had a name, I decided to do some more research on codependency. I found more info than I wanted, but was able to put words to the things that were happening in my heart. One website gave specific patterns of codependency. I’ll share just a few that described me to a tee.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
So, what M had said was true. I realized that every area of struggle in my life all pointed back to codependency. I needed everything and everyone in my life to fit into the box of what I could control (including God), and if they didn’t, I would begin a downward spiral towards depression and anxiety. But, stepping out of denial was only the first step…where was I supposed to go from here?
M and I began meeting on a weekly basis to talk about my week. She would share scripture and ask key questions, and she would always pray over me. About 3 weeks into our weekly meetings, she started talking to me about the Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program and what it had done in her life. Celebrate Recovery?? Are you serious?? I thought that CR was for “those people”! Boy, was I in for the surprise of my life.
STORY To be Continued
Comments
Thanks Jamie, looking forward to the next post!
abby
-Ang