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Grateful with Grief

*disclaimer* The content of this post is pretty heavy in nature. For my dear friends who are pregnant, or are sensitive to the loss of young lives, you may want to proceed with caution.

Grateful with grief. I know that it sounds like a complete oxymoron but that is the overwhelming emotion that I am feeling this morning. Last night, I sat in front of my computer with sobs pouring from my body, just like they have done time and time again when I hear of the loss of innocent life. About a month ago I was introduced to the blog of an incredible brave woman who is documenting the story of her daughter Audrey Caroline. You can visit the site at www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com but again be ready for some heavy content that has a strong theme of hope. The first time that I read this blog, I was overcome with emotion. I was angry with God for allowing such a tragedy to happen to such a sweet family. But, it also brought back the pain that I walked through with one of my dear friends just a couple of years ago.

The author of this blog is Angie, the mother of Audrey Caroline, and the wife of one of the singers in the Christian group Selah. About halfway through her pregnancy, Angie was informed that sweet Audrey would not survive outside of the womb, but as the doctors gave their news, Angie felt her baby moving inside of her, speaking of The Healer. Angie and her husband made the decision to allow God to work if He chose to. She was able to deliver Audrey, and Audrey survived for about 5 hours on this earth before God called her home. But the story does not end there! Angie has been sharing her journey of healing and restoration on her blog and it has been such a blessing to read. Yesterday, I decided to brave this blog again only to find that tragedy had overcome this family again. Angie's sister-in-law, Nichol(the lead singer of Selah), lost her son Luke to SIDS at the age of 2 months. I literally threw my hands in the air in anger when I read the post and my hands are still trembling as I type this post.

How can I feel so much emotion for a family I have never even met? I think it's because I have felt all of this and more when walking down this road with my friend Jennifer who lost her sweet twins at 22 weeks a couple of years ago. Or maybe it's just because I am a mom who doesn't want anyone to endure that type pf pain. Regardless, I find myself grieving for this family and so angry at God over the loss of innocent life! I know that He has a greater purpose in everything, but WHY??? As I sobbed almost in hysterics, I knew He could handle my anger and questions. As I wrestled with Him in grief, I began to feel this wave of gratitude. "I have given you two beautiful children to love and cherish as they walk this earth," He reminded me. Yes you have, Lord. I ran into Katy's room to watch her breathing, so thankful for each movement that she made. And then I stood in the doorway of Tyler's room, grateful for the warrior spirit inside of him. I must admit that I also felt a twinge of conviction. I have found myself frustrated with the day in day out of discipline and bottle feeding the past couple of weeks. But, I have two children to watch over at night! So, I fell on my knees to lay it all down at the feet of the One who brought all this emotion to my heart. I am still angry, still have questions, but I am grateful at the same time. I know that if I search His heart, He will bring peace to mine.

Comments

The McGintys said…
Wow! I went to the blog. You were right...talk about sobs of tears! It is amazing to see Angie's faith and the pouring out of her heart. I can't even imagine! It will make you see things in a different perspective. Tyler and Katy are such a blessing! My prayers go out to that family.
June 4, 2008 at 2:36 PM
Andi Hawkins said…
O Jamie I so know how you feel. I am so sorry that you are feeling grief. As I deal with this myself, I made a decision that helps me feel peace. It is this: Since I am not promised any number of days with my children, I will make each day count. If someday I lost one of them, I do not want to have any regrets. I do not want to think I could have loved them more, or cared for them better than I did. I just want to know that while they were mine, I was faithful. I am sad after reading this, but like you said, its not necessarily in a hopeless way. Today, my kids are with me and I am going to smooch em and hold em and love em. Tomorrow, who knows? I am choosing not to worry about it (sometimes once a minute!) because it will steal my joy today. I am bringing my book to you PRONTO. You need a BFF intervention to hold you up right now! I will talk to you soon sweet friend.
June 5, 2008 at 6:20 AM
Melanie said…
Haven't gone to read it and probably won't for a while...I don't need any paranoia to set in. But did want to say this...our kids are not our own. They are His and we are entrusted with them to raise them and groom them to grow the Kingdom. Doesn't mean that there isn't hurt or anger balancing out the love and joy we feel, we just have to keep the perspective that this Earth is not our home or our kids home. We do only have today to cling to, to make the most of and to give back to the Lord what is His.
June 7, 2008 at 10:58 PM
Melanie said…
hey jam-s, meant that i haven't read Angie/Audrey's blog and wouldn't for a while...not yours, yours i must read!!...sorry for the confusion
June 8, 2008 at 10:00 PM
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